Why I Stopped Centering Romance

Dear Healed Black Girl,

This might be somewhat of a hot take—but it’s my truth:
I’ve stopped centering romance.
And honestly, that shift has played a huge role in my healing.

When you hear the word romance, what comes to mind?
For me, it used to mean grand gestures—flowers, planned dates, deep affection. Romantic words spoken in poetic ways, like “I’d be nothing without you.” And of course, romantic feelings—passion, obsession, butterflies (or was that actually anxiety?).

When I first started dating, I fully expected to find someone who would bring all of this into my life. Like so many women, I had a picture-perfect idea of what love and romance should look like. I imagined a partner who would sweep me off my feet with the “right” words, gestures, and timing.

And to be fair, my past partners did do romantic things—gifts, sweet words, thoughtful dates. But for some reason, it never felt quite right. I couldn’t even tell you exactly what was off… it just wasn’t the fantasy I had created in my mind.

Fast forward to now: I’ve been married, divorced, rediscovered myself, and gotten much clearer on what I actually want and need. And somewhere along that healing journey, I stopped craving romance altogether.

To me now, romance feels like a fairytale—a beautiful delusion.
And my spiritual beliefs are aligned with the idea that delusion breeds suffering. So instead of chasing fantasy, I choose to live in reality.

And in my reality, I’m in love.
Like, deeply, joyfully, imperfectly in love.

I’m madly in love with my partner. He gets on my nerves, I get on his. I can’t see myself with anyone else—and I’m also aware that this relationship will end one day, either by choice or by death. And I’m… okay with that.

More on him later. But what I’ll say is this:
This relationship has taught me that I don’t need romance the way I thought I did.

It’s taken so much pressure off.
Because in the past, my idea of romance was tied to perfection. A perfect series of events. A perfect version of me. Always looking good, acting right, saying the “right” thing.

But now? I just exist with my partner. And he exists with me.

He makes me feel seen, loved, and cared for—in ways I never imagined, and ways that bring me peace. It doesn’t look like the movies. It looks like real life. And it makes me deeply happy.

Letting go of the need for romance has also helped me love myself more. I love my natural self—without the performance. I don’t feel the need to dress myself up for love anymore. I am love. I have love.

This is my experience.

So now I want to ask you:
How important is romance to you?
And why do you think it holds that level of importance?

I’d really love to hear your take.

With love,
A fellow Healed Black Girl